mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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