just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
