I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
