No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
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Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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