UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
