I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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