i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
she told me i tasted like america
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
this will be a night to untag.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Randomize
