There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
