i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
