I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
