Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
