Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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