You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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