dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
