gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
