I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
