people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
