my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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