Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
