Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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