Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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