apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
