while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
