Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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