I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
