i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
