I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
