Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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