I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm sobbing to NWA
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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