a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
