Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
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I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
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well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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