So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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