I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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