Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
