I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
