Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
