just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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