Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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