I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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