I'm eating all of the evidence.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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