i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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