He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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