Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
