I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
