you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
