I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
