Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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