My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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