this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
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