I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
