I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
