Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
