i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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