my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
