He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
