Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
