come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
