I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
