so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
