Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
