The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
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I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
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you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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