They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize
