i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
